(they seem to have a hard time understanding the grief I am experiencing, for starters!). For a woman in relationship with a narcissistic man, does it make any sense to use sex to hold him accountable? It took me quite some time catching up on reading all of the comments. Hide nothing and do the best with what you have, but never, NEVER, accept the responsibility for your Nar behaviors. N decided that he did not need to keep this promise despite it being made a few years ago to protect all of us from hurting each other, should one of us move on, because we are very much a family. I am constantly lowering my expectations but I wont compromise my safety,tranquility and emotional stability. I appreciate your indepth understanding, and drive to help others. I started planning that when we meet for anything it would be in a public place. Hi Marje and welcome to our site, Write down what first triggered you getting angry and then go and do something to cheer yourself up and forget about him for awhile. Said it was a hurt beyond which I could ever know! 5. It was all my fault she says because I crossed the line but she didnt do anything wrong. There doesnt seem to be anything else I CAN do. Is the rapist a relative or stranger? I kept thinking I was going crazy. He uses people big time to get what he wants out of life. I would like to approach him out of concern and not as a bully. I do break down and I pull myself back together. I have to say after reading you article it does make perfect sense. One clear warning of what will result if their behaviour continues and then action. Have you tried instead of putting some effort into your relationship, like ask not what you want rather what you are prepared to give have you tried calling him and just saying I didnt hear from you so i called you up instead it may be possible that you both have expectations of each other yet will not humble yourselves to give to the relationship. My husband seems to be addicted to stimulation, attention, and acceptance to say the least. They get furious when you seek answers to just about anything. Thankfully I know that he didnt reject me because of who I am but discarded me because of who he is! He spins everything to make me wrong and him right. Hi Ann, I certainly agree with Kim. This man I love cant own up to his own behavior that breaks the trust. Life is hard enough without having to adapt yourself to twisted ways of relating to someone in order to have any semblance of a relationship. I am very sad at the moment because after reading these comments I now think there is no hope of happiness for my daughter who I love dearly! He is like a King on a throne with many wives. Perspective is all important and since a couple usually ends up living in the way the dominant partner prefers the other person can seem passive/ aggressive simply if they dont throw themselves into that lifestyle with the degree of enthusiasm the dominant person would like to see. for 2 years before we divorced and hosted multiple person sex parties where anything goes. 2 Flaunt how happy you are without them. I think the marriage is dead. Just incase you are still not clear why I am ending this relationship and you are feeling sorry for yourself let me show you why. I have been debating for the past 2 years on whether or not I will stay. With two dogs and two horses, close to your job and being able to leave my kids in the same school since my daughter had moved schools twice already and my son was in high school and had just moved back. Now we have to devide property, of course I dont deserve anything, I didnt do as I was told, had too much to say for myself, turned everyone against him and so it goes on and on. I am Liberal thinking person and positive too until I get around her and her negativity!She is constantly pointing out my shortcoming while I reserve my feelings about her shortcomings.. its as if she is talking me out of our relationship! He had to pay several fines and now faces jail. So..I learned alot because of this horrid person and a few others, and i will never repeat that kind of stupidity. Otherwise be kind to yourself by forgiving them, but make sure you are prepared with better scripts next time. This was NOT my desired outcome but a result of our unique situation and personalities, and was not the fault of any of the materials or tips Id used during the time I tried to rescue myself and the marriage. If they are not, it shatters their false sense of self-worth. I know a side of him that he can not hide from me, however the ugly side wins more often these days and so I reach for a new life with less turmoil and frustration. This is why we highlight the need for action. I will be around as I keep working and learning. One thing I know is that until it hurts them more to be the way they are then to change, nothing, I mean nothing will change them. I would encourage you to read all you can get your hands on from Kim and Steve. Its no suprise they hide from their toxic shame. etcthen says he is not violent. Refusing to challenge a narcissist's opinion helps you avoid the risk of being attacked. He is so fake but good at it with others. Did not EVER think he would leave me. The other piece of this for me isI know that somewhere along the way, Im going to really NEED him for something. Ive lived with this for 24+ years and I have had it. It is a freaking living nightmare. He would not be remotely aware of his behavior while leaving. Anyones behaviour can seem selfish, irresponsible and mean if it isnt what the other person thinks it should be. You need to find yourself a private detective who will help you and gather information for the police on his criminal activities. Because I want him to relax and be himself. Do these people actually know what they are doing? Creating Word Salad Conflicts. Many narcissists lack self-awareness, so they may try to push you to the wall until they find out what they can get away with. annulled. But talk about a grieving process to realize that all that you thought was real love was not. Narcissists may easily cross boundaries. (2) Damaged my car I have been scared of him & Several times I have ran to my car, locking the doors to get away from him& when I refuse to leave safety of my car, he threatens to damage my car if I dont get out of it, which has resulted in: door Handel ripped off, entire windshield wiper broken off, Three big dents in my door, cracked windshield and him keying my car. My logical, intelligent brain struggles with this, no matter how much my heart is drawn to him. I cant continue this with the emotional scares he is dragging my daughter through as he plays daddy for the last four years then suddenly heads for the hills to go MIA without an explanation. Stay calm and polite no matter how they react. He has money in his name too so its fair. He is a deeply insecure person when it comes to intimacy. He even said I love you so muchwhat? Over all control of the money. For all this time I have been working on myself, attending classes through the church (designed for couples, but they are letting me go by myself)and I (unlike him) remember the good timeshe COULD be really, really sweetand my soul still loves him (its the only way I know how to describe it as it takes me out of the very human/ego part of me that is pissed as hell at the childish, immoral behavior)..it also lets me not put the blame on myself (which I bought into, and still do some days, like today). I know he will never be ok and get past this but I can daily handle all his misbehaviors. Life got really calm, respectful and enjoyable. Curious as I educate myself on this. I have come to understand that there are some people that unless sacrafice is made, they may never know what true good in life they can have. But please be careful and have a look at the last chapter of Back From the Looking Glass before you do. I agree that at some point when theres no change, you cannot continue. What do I do about the kids? He will never change, so the question is, are you willing and capable of putting all your dreams, goals and morals aside for a boyfriend. Thanks again for all the hard work and time you put into all this, keep up the good work! Thank you again for your courageous letter. I am tired of him doing that and am trying to set boundaries. As my solicitor said at the time they were far more afraid of her than me. This is why they move on so easily. Thank you Kim. Narcissists engage in hot-and-cold behavior and intermittent reinforcement to keep you hooked in the relationship. Its always been his way or no way but I have been the bread winner for a very long time while he plays all the time and so with this it has given me strength to not let him bully me into anything i stand firm. Ive spent 13 years together following the dont ask what you get but what you can give policy. He calls me stupid bitch and screams in my face. I have had to do a lot of work on myself to stay balanced in this relationship and understand its worth. All I can say is that if you care enough for the person dont give up and just make it part of life. (I dont want to date yet, am working on myself, but may need that piece of paper to feel comfortable to move forward. Ana. It will put all of these blog pages, information, and the events and/or what is happening within your life into a healthier perspective. He also said we dont have kids, theres no reason to stay together. Holding a person accountable for what they did in the past is a waste of time and should be forgotten. 2. The pain is lessening day by day , Kim, I love your blogs. Speak clearly and concisely to make them understand you. Kim is the author of seven books on the topic of relationships and emotional intelligence. Click here for instructions on how to enable JavaScript in your browser. I do know he does not have credit cards because he just filed bankruptcy. Your indifference is their kryptonite. I pray for him and work with him now As much as I can and as lovingly as I can. Hi Beth The situation you are dealing with indeed sounds very extreme but the situation you are now in demonstrates why running away usually doesnt work. Sorry I dont have much time tonight please visit the page here , http://www.narcissismcured.com/12_Steps_to_End_the_Fights.html. Thank you again. If narcissists are sure that theyre perfect, why would they mess with success? This had 2 effects. And this already had effects. I still get called swear names you are a selfish bitch !!! If you want to hold a narcissist accountable, you need to challenge the deception. I still get constant emails wishing me well and statements of regret and promises hoping Ill return someday. Hold them accountable Stop letting them slide with their bad behavior. Steve did get very enraged when I first started setting boundaries but as it was about what I would not live with for myself rather than me putting myself above him there was still room for him to come down out of his ivory tower and be with me once the corner he had painted himself into had become too uncomfortable. She is ignoring any opinions I have on any subject and basically shut me out of her life again. He says what happened to you? If you dont have the skills nor are you willing to learn them, you cant do the job. "Knowing that a trap exists is the first step in avoiding it." Trauma bonds are a trap that children form that can hold them back from living healthy lives as adults. I have experienced all of the above, married to a Narcissist with appears Sociopathic & bipolar tendencies as well. Perhaps hes just a mild case. Kevin, the reason people can go on with their lives hurting others is because most people let them. It means that someone needs to read your post before it is displayed that is usually me but not always if I am busy (-: We do that to make sure abusive comments are kept off this blog and that this is a safe place! It is ridiculous to have to kiss his royal rear end cuz why? Then on the first you told me you didnt have the money because it was Christmas and you needed money. We have two terrific kids. People-Pleasing. It broke my heart. It is good you can see you need some help too (-: Our 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence is a great place to start! The only way to reach someone like this is through the pain of consequence. Ive heared my whole life that she is so wonderful. All the idiots get tossed out quick, and NO i dont care about their opinion, and all the good solid people started coming into my life. I dont want to lose him. He never did anything for me nothing. Kim, do you think your husband had to do something similar when he learned how to be more accountable? Force them to listen with strong eye contact, confident posture, and an even, firm tone. However he keeps asking for more and then tries to blame me for having credit and being able to handle my finances as if it is my fault he cant handle his. Or just the other day, he said he got a call from Monica, a cheque bounced. The 2nd counselor I went to by myself(after the couples attempt, where he wanted to be friends) told me he was likely a narcissist. I say, no you are not going to change this. Guess that is what still hurts him most. The saddest part is to deal with our son who copies his father, takes no responsibilty for his own behaviour and impossible to reason with most of the time. If your narcissistic friend is supposed to have lunch with you, invite a few other friends without telling her. Everything is my fault. Thx Kim. I did and you talked to her on her birthday and I was so glad you made her feel loved. Ive realized the times he/we are in therapy he is good but when the therapy is over it isnt long before he reverts back to his passive aggressive and non-relational ways. Play as nice as you can and de escalate the fight and let the heat come down on him from police. I was disappointed however, and stuck in my own issues, feeling like I gave and gave and wasnt getting much in the last couple of months we were living together. He always managed to pull me back. Narcissists need to be the center of attention at all times. I said that is impossible and he said are you sure you didnt forget the banking? I think however there are differences in people with npd. My spouse left and never said why just left and of course it is all my fault. Have we had good times? They say they are sensitive, but the behavoir is undermining and abusive and can rip a person to pieces, even if they keep their cool, underneath that one can see that they are seething, but they will never admitt it. (Still do in my heart, although head says differently.). My guy and I are apart a lot of the time but he still managed to be emotionally and mentally abusive to me after the honeymoon period of our relationship ended. They strike back hard to try to save their own self or credibility. #45&46, Hi Tanya. Everything that has been stated here is exactly what Ive been through. Weve been together 7 years. Well I read almost everyones comments and I am glad I am not alone. The thing for my friend is he doesnt want me to leave him so I try to become a safe person for him all the while being very careful to not become his victim. Its so hard to accept that it was no more than a performance. Pride kills humility. I assume there are different degrees of narcissismand though my wife doesnt do some of the more egregious behaviors many of you are dealing with, she is a text-book narcissist in her inability to accept accountability or in any way see the world through eyes or perspectives other than her own. There was no mention of when we could see each other and I guess I had to accept it But noooo I didnt instead I confronted my n by saying that my friends have noticed how sad and depressed I am and certain friends were concerned about me. I worked with a woman who had NPD. How do I get her to acknowledge my opinions? With regards to your response #31, to Renee. My advice, run! From that second I met her I wanted her. 1) During your deployments R&R, as I was in the process giving up my job, selling my home, pack, finding a rental home in a new state that I didnt know a soul in. My husband appears to have pretty strong values, actually, around sexual behavior ie I dont expect that hed easily cheat. I too hope you take a path that is filled with more happiness for you. Sometimes you just have to say enough is enough and let them go. Lawyers have said to put all vehicles in my name. You can't hold narcissists accountable; you just invite embittered counterattack. I cant trust him yet of course. My husband has not changed in fact he has moved on to another woman whom he can control. After numerous requests for cooperation (5 years), (met with abject denials) I eventually went to my boss and asked that I deal with her through emails. This guy is gone, not one word said to me in 1 1/2 years after he ended it and told me he wanted to get rid of me for a long time., The things youre teaching I could apply if there was ever any other relationship, but, they seem extremely difficult since its such a strong tendency to want to point out their behavior and to explain mine. They have forgiven you time and time again. But recently it has about chewed me up and spit me out. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and loss. You then threw in my face later Well I had to borrow the money from you so I could buy YOU and YOUR kids Christmas presents. This woman was a serial liar who could turn on the tears at will and present herself as a very convincing victim. Another common way for a narcissist's lack of accountability in relationships is to withhold from you as a form of punishment. Hey Welcome Cheryl and good job surviving the hell you were raised in, it is tough when we end up having to parent ourselves. Narcissists have a very low tolerance for anyone questioning or debating them. Ive had to allow my spouse to suffer the consequences of his behavior many many times and he continues to make the same ones over and over again. For me with my man, well, ill try and see if this could become better. Living with individuals with NPD means accepting the facts of 1) being the only adult in the relationship and 2) giving empathy and recieving empathy. I will be back in a few minutes to read this blog. Im not proud of it, but wanted to post in case this might resonate with others out there After truly saying goodbye the hero role, Narcissists dont hold the same interest anymore. When someone is being selfish and KNOWS theyre being selfish or not accountable for bad behavior, I really want them to understand how mean and hurtful theyre being, and how theyre creating fallacies merely to rationalize it to escape blame. So why not work on this relationship now that I can him for what he really is, instead of waiting another 4 years to find out I am just now seeing the same traits in someone new? Thanks for your solid advice!! He doesnt qualify to ge a divorce. Marie, sorry to hear. )0: he is travelling so often, it is always possible to lead me on! Once a. I want to convey acceptance in this new activity which is actually appropriate but is not leaving time for us or home responsibilities. How do we build trust, if my N is not willing to keep a promise? The narcissist begins by bullying the person endeavoring to hold them accountable. I wish you both good luck . I hope and pray a good guy will come along for her Many rapes occur repeatedly and by family members and even if exposed the victim is not believed. He started calling another woman before he left. #43 Dear Tanya, Thanks for writing LeAnne and I am glad you are doing well and moving on with your life I am sure the future has good things in store (-: My husband has NPD. He broke up with her and I am so glad but she wont move on. I work on myself to cope with that . What percentage of females. Sounds similar Marie. Setting boundaries is one thing but if he is not attached to you yet it probably wont work. But looking back, I guess Ive loved a few of them and I am just now seeing it. Although hes only hit me once and I know that sounds like denial but believe me when I tell you I have made it very clear to him that if he does it again one of us is goin to jail and one of us is goin to the hospital. Ridiculous. The only thing you can do with a narcissist is get them out of your hair. Unfortunately I had no where to take my boys and needed to sort this but by which time he had totally turned my boys against me poisoning them as a form of punishment. Hes got issues with alcohol which I believe can be closely tied with narcissism. . Ongoing hostile silence that never ends. I have pictures, clear pictures to prove it. I have been in a relationship with someone suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder for 14 years. Take good care. My question is, it would be great to rely on someone else (police, doctor, etc) to deliver the bad news to him about his behavior, but the things my husband does are too mild for that. 4 Deny them what they want. Take care I was with my ex for 23 yrs I tried and tried to support him so we could have an honest and mutually giving relationship I thought I was good at seeing when he was lying but in fact- it was all lies everything the whole relationship. They can tell you anything to make you feel sorry for them, sometimes when they do get it, they even apologize: but, so soon they repeat, rendering the apology useless. Eventually he began to say that he couldnt say one word with there being an issue. A few weeks later you bought a new one and called my daughter and me over and told us what you did and that you wanted to FIX it and asked her to put it on me. This keeps the people that are suing him, unable to take his business.Im scared to death to put my name on a business that he has any control over! I really am too frightened. Well things have obviously been pretty delicate since then and Im keeping a healthy distance but we have in the last few months been repairing our relationship. I know how painful this feels. He left me to clean up the problems (getting myself released etc). And talk about the blame. Who will love him if I do not? Do NOT get into and argument and DO NOT take these steps without reading all the steps you need in our book Back From the Looking Glass. You do not *ever* talk to a doctor about someone else without their permission, and you do not respectfully obtain permission by stating what you are going to need to do.. I can now have an evening in and not feel insecure because Im learning who I am and strangely with his silencing since our last split Ive realised I need to find me. By taking control over your own life back, you are able to create fear and doubt in a Narcissist. Rejection. This is going to be quite interesting to get a hold of.

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